Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
