so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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