No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
