There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
