Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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