So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
