i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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