I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
