My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
