I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
