You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
