I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize