im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
