Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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