Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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