Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
