Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
