I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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