she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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