i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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