9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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