im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
