I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
