Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
