Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
