If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
