the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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