i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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