If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize