not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
