your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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