??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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