He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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