Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Less talking, more tequila
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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