I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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