That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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