he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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