watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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