just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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