just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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