there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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