I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
