Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
pray to the hookup gods
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
