I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize