half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
