Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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