I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everything about him screamed your future.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I need to align my fucking chakras
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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