i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
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