just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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