just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
