I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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