so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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