i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
