Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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