oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
