Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
