I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
