It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize