Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
