Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
