Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
