i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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