using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There r osticjed everywhere
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
