i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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