I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
