I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
