Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize