so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
