For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
