tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
