Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
