i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
