Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
