need another drink. this is the easiest way
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize